Recently, my (ex)boyfriend broke up with me. His parting word was "sorry." Yesterday, I brought up to my friend some habits of his that were frustrating me. Constantly, throughout the conversation, he apologized for everything.

And I started thinking about apologies and what they mean.

I decided that they are rarely sincere. When someone does something intentionally, especially with the knowledge that it will impact others, and they apologize, I do not find it meaningful. The only time it's truly sincere is if someone makes an honest mistake.

For example, if I were to bump into someone in a crowded area and I apologize, I'm actually sorry. I most certainly didn't intend to hit that person, and I wouldn't want to offend or harm someone I don't know.

If I were to steal money from my friend's house and I apologized to them if they noticed or saw, I'm not sorry for stealing the money. I'm sorry I got caught. If someone makes a decision or takes an action that isn't completely private, it is common sense that it will impact others and they know it.

So, ex-boyfriend, you're not sorry you broke up with me. You wanted to, you knew that I wouldn't take it well. You had every intention to dump me - it wasn't a mistake. You have nothing to be sorry for, although you definitely have something to be ashamed about.

So, 'friend,' you're not sorry that you've been inconsiderate, obnoxious, disrespectful and irresponsible. You knew what you were and weren't doing. You're sorry it pissed me off, you're sorry it pissed me off to the point that I complained and ignored you today. But you are damn well not sincerely sorry for what you did. They weren't mistakes.

You two can't erase the past and move on. What you did was too selfish to be forgiven. Both of you had every intention of doing what you did to me. If I forgave you it would be as meaningless as your pathetic apologies.

This is, of course, not to say that you should hold grudges against everyone if they do something that you didn't like and that wasn't a mistake. But consider what they're actually apologizing for. It could be that they are sorry for hurting you, but not for what they actually did.

(I apologize for the bitchiness of this post, and for the ambiguous details about the ex-boyfriend and the friend.)

(My vignette for English, all comments and critiques are welcome.)

The bitter raindrops streak across the cool glass, blurring together into oblivion. She sits, watches, muses, her face sullen and her eyes empty. The air that swirls around her shoulders is dry, but not warm (that stupid cliché is a lie, hiding doesn’t protect you from reality). Her thin arms wrap around her torso in a vain attempt to hold herself together but she’s falling apart. Wind shrieks against the window and loses the fight against the solid wall but the hurt still sweeps through her and leaves her so torn apart, so weak. Her mind, once a prism (ideas flowing and light scattering rainbows) is now a prison, suffocating epiphanies and trapping her in cages of restless nightmares.

She is God’s loss of faith: bare and fragile and incomplete – a nameless consequence.

She’s disappeared, become a part of the masses. A mere glimpse in our world’s history, still such a small part of it all. Our existence – a tragic miracle. We shouldn’t exist but we do. We don’t deserve to exist and God exacts his revenge on us for that. He lets us live but cuts our lives too short. He gives us hope and happiness and peace but it’s mixed with despair and tragedy and rage too much to really be worth it in the end.

We are God’s rainy days and falling skies and broken dreams.

She’s losing herself.